


How can I tell I love her

by Finnishccino



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Case Fic, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Inspired by Law & Order: SVU, Mystery, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:27:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finnishccino/pseuds/Finnishccino
Summary: Barba starts to realize that he has more than professional feelings towards Olivia, but doesn't get positive response, at least not yet. Some events may lead to a relationship.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 47





	1. Celebrating a victory

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first of all, I am not a fluent English speaker - actually English is my third language, so bare with me, please. This is the first time I am writing fan fiction in years, and this is also my first time writing a short story in English. The first chapter is quite long, but I really hope you'll like it. Please, leave comments so I know if this is worth of my (and your) time. I listened Frank Sinatra while writing, which leaded to the title.

”That was a hell of a case”, Fin said putting his beer bottle on the counter.  
”I am just glad it’s over”, answered Olivia, sipping her Cabernet. The wine tasted bold, with hints of a blackcurrant and vanilla.  
”I’ll drink to that”, Amanda said and raised her glass towards Olivia and Fin. 

The bar was pretty empty, although there were couple of older men enjoying their fine scotch, chattering away. It was a quiet night, but that was more than okay with Olivia, who didn’t even want go out, but was overpowered by Amanda, who was eager to celebrate putting away a serial rapist.  
”It is a shame Carisi couldn’t make it”, Olivia said mainly to Amanda knowing how close they were.  
”I know, but someone had to look after the little ones”, Amanda smirked. Without him either of the women wouldn’t have a change to get out – and Olivia, if someone – had really deserved one night without Noah, without bedtime stories and obligations, she had worked so hard with the last case that in the end she reminded a raccoon with the dark circles around her eyes. Amanda really respected her lieutenant for that.  
”Speaking about absent, where is Barba? I thought he was coming”, she continued, smiling to Olivia.  
”I really don’t know, he promised he will be here, but I guess he has some paperwork to do or something”, Olivia answered, feeling a little betrayed. Over the last year and a half, Barba had became very close friend to her, and she was keen to spend time with him without a need to talk about work though they were celebrating winning an important case.  
”Did I hear someone mention my name?” ADA Barba asked taking off his black dress jacket. 

He was looking as handsome as ever with his white dress shirt, this time without a vest. His posture was strong and his movement so controlled when he sat down next to Olivia.  
”Speaking of the devil”, Olivia grinned, happy to see him.  
She was almost afraid he wouldn’t show up but here he was, all smiling. His scent made her dizzy, it was so warm and spicy with a hint of vanilla.  
”Man, nice to see you showing up your face. Congratulations, you did well today”, Fin said to Barba, who had won the case even though their evidence was circumstantial at best, ”what you want to drink? It is on me”, he continued.  
”Scotch with ice”, Barba answered to Fin before turning to Olivia, ”so how was Noah? Was he exited to spend the night with Carisi?” he asked, smiling charmingly.  
”Well, yeah, I think Carisi have already gotten him and Jesse sugar high, and I think he will regret that when he tries to get them to sleep”, she smirked. Truthfully, she was happy that Noah was spoiled a bit by his favorite uncle since she hadn’t been home a lot lately because of the case they’ve been working with. She felt warm inside about the question, Barba seemed to really care about her son, and Noah clearly liked him as well always asking when uncle Barba would come to read with him.  
Fin interrupted her thoughts by proposing a toast to Barba, who really had exceeded himself in court today.  
”To Barba”, Olivia said tilting her head to the left, smiling widely. 

God, Barba thought. He had noticed Olivia’s beauty before, but the way she tilted her head, her semi long, golden brown hair flowing to her side like the finest silk ever made, it made it impossible to concentrate, she was so different now, relaxed, soft blush on her rosy cheeks. He wasn’t blind to the beauty of a woman, but this was the first time he noticed his co-worker in a different light. That white blouse with an open neckline, showing her collarbones, not mentioning that turquoise pendant condescending towards her cleavage. Barba took a quick, deep breath, he really had to stop thinking about her like that, she was her co-worked, dammit.  
”Penny for your thoughts”, Olivia said softly emptying her wine glass.  
”Oh, my thoughts are private”, the answer was quitty, ”how about I use a penny instead and get you a new drink”, he suggested signing the waiter to refill her glass.  
”Well, thank you”, she answered wondering what was going on inside Barba’s head. She knew him well, he seemed relaxed so it probably had nothing to do with work, it was more like he was daydreaming about something. Maybe he was just glad to be over with the case. Barba was complicated in many ways, so she wasn’t never quite sure how he felt. He was the most private person she had ever met, and even though Olivia was very good at reading people, Barba wasn’t exactly an open book.

An hour later, Olivia felt the warmness of the alcohol inside her. She felt little tipsy, but was far from letting herself lose control. They had moved to a table, Amanda by her side and Fin and Barba across the table. Amanda, again, had been absorbed in a conversation with her partner, but she didn’t know the subject because her thoughts were completely elsewhere.  
”So, how does it feel to have a night out?” Barba asked with a genuine smile on his face.  
”To be honest, I miss Noah, a lot actually, but I have had a good time tonight”, she answered, truthfully, ”I think this wine makes me tipsy.”  
”Well, you are not the only one”, he smirked towards Amanda and Fin, who were now in a middle of an argument, laughing loudly, ”thank God it is almost impossible to get me drunk”, he said sounding very sure about himself.  
”I’d love to challenge you but I have an early morning meeting, so I think I’ll have to leave soon”, Olivia said.  
It was true, but she missed her bed and a good book, maybe a cup of tea before going to sleep.  
For a second, there was something passing on Barba’s face, but Olivia didn’t quite catch what it was. It looked like sadness or guilt, but Olivia wasn’t sure so she wasn’t about to ask about it.  
”Yeah, I think I’ll take one more and then I will get some shut-eye too, I have a court in the morning”, Barba answered, now smiling weakly.

For a moment, Barba felt disappointment when Olivia announced that she would be leaving soon. He didn’t even know why, he saw her pretty much every day so he shouldn’t be feeling this way. Somehow, he felt a sting in his stomach. Maybe it was because Olivia seemed so care free, so fluent in this environment, chatting with her co-workers, smiling and laughing, her eyes glimmering. This woman wasn’t the well-controlled lieutenant holding all the threads in her hands, not the emphatic guardian comforting a victim. This woman was fierce, fun to be around with, full of life.  
”May I buy you one last drink before you go?” he asked and felt delighted when she nodded.  
He was about to get up when Fin shoved him accidentally with his elbow causing series of events happen. The glass of scotch fell off the table, brown liquid spreading quickly towards Olivia, who was quick enough to get up before the disaster. She almost stepped on Barba’s toes, but corrected her movement just in time. Amanda wasn’t as quick as her, and got some of the scotch on her shirt.  
Amanda burst into laughter and Fin looked very regretful turning towards Barba: ”I am so sorry, bro, I’ll get you a new one. Liv, Cabernet for you? And Amanda, you probably want a beer again?”  
Amanda nodded, getting up, ”I will go to save my shirt”, she said and exited towards the bathroom. 

Before Olivia had the change to call it a night, Fin had already disappeared to the counter, so she sat down.  
”Well, that wasn’t very graceful”, she said, embarrassed and blushing.  
”These are my cheapest shoes”, Barba winked sarcastically, even though Olivia knew that the pair of his loafers cost about as much as a used car, ”but those heels you have could be described as a weapon, so I am glad you didn’t puncture my toes”, he continued, smiling playfully.  
Olivia was wearing black lacquer high heels with her skin tight jeans showing her every curve – and in a positive way, he thought. How would she look like without the blouse and the jeans, only in those three inch high heels… He corrected himself, grunting quietly. He was drunk, that’s it. To be truthful, it has been a while since he had been with anyone, so this was completely normal reaction to a beautiful woman, he rationalized. 

”Haha, very funny”, Olivia answered, watching Barba turning slightly red.  
”Okay so, I messed up and I need to make it up”, Fin came back carrying a tray of drinks.  
He put it on the table, serving the drinks to them.  
”So, because we are celebrating and my boss has given me a day off”, Fin winked to Olivia, ”I thought we’ll have to do some shots or it is not a party.”  
”You, my friend, are absolutely right”, said Amanda, clearly more tipsy now, sitting back to the table taking a shot and chugging it with a wild smile.  
Olivia groaned and rolled her eyes: ”I really, really cannot have a shot now, I need to…”  
”Yeah, yeah, I didn’t think you as a coward, lieutenant”, Barba said with a twinkle on his eye, offering her a shot.  
”Fine, you won, but if I’ll have a headache when I have a meeting with Chieff Dodds tomorrow, I will find away to repay this”, she growled again accepting the shot he offered.

Their fingers touched slightly, but the moment was full of electricity, Olivia pulled her hand back quickly being careful not to spill the shot. Everything about the night was strange: how she felt so lively, so feminine. Honestly, she hadn’t felt herself beautiful in a long time, but something has changed, she just couldn’t place her finger on what is was. She shook off the thought, putting the shot on her lips.  
”Fin, what the hell is this?” she asked putting hand on her mouth, coughing.  
”It is a shot, I don’t know, ask the waiter. Girl, you can’t drink like the old days”, Fin laughed turning to Amanda, who clearly had no problem with the shots.  
”You know, Liv, some gentleman on the counter is checking you out”, she said grinning widely. 

Barba looked to the counter, Amanda was right. There was a good looking, dirty blonde man in dark jeans and club blazer, smiling with his perfect white teeth, raising a glass, his gaze in Olivia, undressing her. Barba felt that weird sting in his stomach again, he felt angry and anxious, especially after seeing Olivia smiling back to the man. Was the touch of their hand just an accident, didn’t she feel the electricity between them? He quickly emptied his glass, putting it back on the table with a loud blow. He had no right to be mad, it’s not like he had dips on her – as far as he know she wasn’t even interested.  
”I think that is my cue to leave”, Olivia said with a sarcastic smile, getting up.  
Barba stood up, and being a gentleman, he helped Olivia to put his coat on touching lightly her soft neck.  
”I’ll walk you out”, he said when she had said goodbyes to her squad.

The night was cold. Even with all the pollution and dust, the night sky was clear and full of stars. Barba blew out cold air while hailing a cab for Olivia.  
”Thank you, Rafael, I had fun tonight”, she said as the cab pulled to the curb.  
She hugged him shortly before getting into the cab and vanishing to the New York night.  
Barba stayed still on the street, watching how the cab disappeared behind the corner. The way she had pronounced his name, emphasizing the syllables, it made him shiver with strange satisfaction, all the anger has disappeared when she hugged her. The scent of her sweet, delicate perfume was still hovering in the air.


	2. Dangerous Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new case causes problems. The atmosphere on the squad room is pretty quiet from the hang over. The case get's Olivia and Rafael to an awkward situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is short, but I didn't get anything else to add on it, so this is it. Please leave more comments, they really made my day! I am easily inspired by music, so this time I had some Cuban tunes playing. The song mentioned is Habana Del Este from Afro-Cuban All Stars. I promise there will be more action after this chapter.

Olivia Benson was feeling like hell, thank God the meeting with Chief Dodds was cancelled. She cursed Fin, but somehow she didn’t feel guilty about the night out. The quiet morning, long warm shower and time to eat a decent breakfast was luxury she haven’t had in a while. She walked into her squad room with a cup of coffee from her favorite stand. The room was pretty quiet, only sounds came from the printer on the corner.

”Good morning, Lieu”, Carisi said with a smile, ”rough night, ha?”

”Don’t even start”, she answered shaking her head, ”did you have fun with the little ones?”

”Oh, they were both so easy, we went to the zoo and both Noah and Jesse were fast asleep before eight o’clock.”

She was about to answer but her both rang. She answered the call, making some notes before hanging up.

”We have a case”, she said, ”a nineteen year old was raped last night behind a strip club. We are a little short handed, so Carisi, can you go to the hospital, take Amanda with you, I will go check the club, see if anyone saw anything”, she continued.

Before anyone get a chance to answer, ADA Rafael Barba walked into the squad room, looking as fresh as ever with his dark suit and striped tie, it was like he wasn’t even at the bar last night.

”Good morning, people, I heard that you have a new case”, he said shortly.

”Yes, we have a rape victim, Rollins and Carisi are going to the hospital. I am going to the club”, Olivia prepped him with a smile on her face, but she looked stressed.

”I’ll tag along”, he said quickly.

”Okay, I’ll drive”, Olivia replied while Rollins and Carisi exchanged a look.

”Who the hell goes to a strip club in the middle of the day?” Barba asked following Olivia inside the club.

”Those, who have time”, she answered with a smile, walking towards the red leather couches.

The place wasn’t exactly classy, but there were few men enjoying the view of young girls. Some electric music was playing on the background, giving a rhythm for the dancing girls.

”Hi, welcome to Trigger!” This short, blonde girl, coming out of nowhere, with a flirting smile crabbed both of their hands.

Before Olivia could do anything, the blonde was pushing them to a couch.

”What can I get for you? A lap dance to your hubby?” she asked clicking her tongue, turning towards Barba, who looked almost terrified. If the situation was different, Olivia would have laughed hard, poor Rafael looked like a deer in the headlights. A husband? That was a funny thought.

Olivia showed her badge, ”Hi, I am Lieutenant Olivia Benson from SVU and this ADA Rafael Barba. What is your name, sweetie?” she asked with a warm, patient tone.

”Laura”, she answered, sitting down, ”you must be here for the assault”, she noted, pushing her long blonde hair away from her face.

”Laura, were you here last night?” she asked, looking so calm and collected.

In the middle of all this, Barba didn’t know how to act. There was an almost naked girl in her red, lacy lingerie, sitting in front of him, but he didn’t even notice her, not like that. He listened the sound of Olivia’s voice, so soft and subtle with this young girl. He really respected the way she worked with people, she could read anyone like an open book – was she reading him as well? His thoughts were interrupted, when the girl answered: ”Yes, I was here but I didn’t see anything unusual.”

”Okay, Laura. Is your manager around?” she asked tilting her head to the side.

”Yes, I can show you where to find him”, Laura answered getting up.

The manager, a black man in his mid-30’s, gave them the security tapes from the last night. When they got back to the squad room, Rollins and Carisi were already back and working with their laptops.

Carisi stood up, showing the victim’s photo. She was a small brunette with dark brown eyes and high cheek bones, she probably could have been a model without the bruises on her forehead.

”Okay, so the victim’s name is Camilla Russo, nineteen. They did the rape kit, she has vaginal trauma, cuts and abrasions. She was pretty shaken up, but she told what happened. Apparently, she didn’t saw the attacker and he had gloves, no DNA was found on her. She didn’t fight back, the man threatened to kill her if she moved.”

”So, do we know why she was there?” Olivia asked looking at the girl’s photo.

”No, she was tired and asked if we can talk later. She is staying the night at the hospital, she got a nasty bump on her head”, answered Rollins checking her notes.

”Okay, Rollins, call the CSU and ask if they found anything at the scene, Carisi, you’ll have the security tapes from last night”, Olivia ordered her co-workers. She stepped outside with Barba right behind her.

”The man really did a number on her”, she sighed.

It felt like every time they got a win, ten new cases would show up. It was an endless circle, and sometimes Olivia wondered why she did even try. For the victims, for the justice, she reminded herself.

”C’moon, Liv, let’s get you some lunch. I’ll have to be in court at two, so we have plenty of time. You need to eat”, Barba tried to persuade her.

”I really don’t feel like a loud restaurant right now”, she answered, still having a headache, ”how are you not hung over?”

Barba smiled, ”I have my _abuelita’s_ receipt for a cure. If you don’t feel like a restaurant, we can go to my place, it is nearby, I’ll cook. You’ll be back before you know it”, he tried to reason with her.

”Fine, but I will help you”, she smirked.

”Welcome, make yourself at home”, Barba said, getting off his dress jacket. This was the first time Olivia visited in his apartment. The hallway led straight to the living room. There was black leather sofas, a gigantic wall mounted smart television and some kind of sound system. There was even a pool table on the corner. Barba’s apartment was really nice, the lighting was dim and the whole place was hinting that money wasn’t exactly Barba’s first problem. He had good taste with interior, as he had with clothing. She probably should have guessed it.

”Do you want some coffee while waiting?” Barba asked walking towards an open concept kitchen. There was a large, marble island counter facing towards the living room.

Olivia sat down on a expensive sofa, nodding.

”I have a Cuban blend, is that okay?” he asked with a husky voice opening kitchen doors looking for coffee and mugs.

”Oh, I would be satisfied with the break room stuff, you know”, she answered with soft smile.

Barba turned the coffee maker on, opening his integrated fridge door.

”So, how about a quick chicken wok? I haven’t had the time to go shopping lately”, he asked, apologizing.

”That would be more than okay. Thanks, Rafael, I really appreciate this”, her smile was warm.

”Oh, before I forget!” He hollered, walking towards Olivia with very suspicious smile holding a drink, ”here, this will help with the hang over”, he smiled winking his eye, handing the drink to her.

”The taste will not be exactly pleasant, but it will help, I promise!”

Quickly, Olivia emptied the glass. The taste was really something. Her eyes got wet because of the bitter taste.

”Holy shit, what is this? You trying to poison me?” she asked putting her hand over her mouth.

Her expression was painful, but it made Barba laugh.

”You’ll thank my _abuelita_ later”, he said with a cheerful tone.

He was right, she was feeling a lot better after the drink. Barba was back to the kitchen, the smell of fresh coffee was inviting, so Olivia got up and followed Barba. She sat on a bar stool while Barba served her a cup of coffee.

”Sugar and cream, right?” he asked handing her the mug.

”Yes, thank you”, she answered sipping the coffee.

Her eyes followed Barba, who appeared completely different from the courtroom Barba. This version was easy going, relaxed, rolling up his sleeves as he was bending over to the counter looking for a pan. Olivia noticed his ass for the first time, he clearly worked out, the round, tight buttocks under the dark, tight fabric looked perfect. She quickly moved her eyes back to the coffee. She didn’t just looked at her friend’s ass – that was wrong in so many levels. It was an accident, she reassured herself. A light blush spreading to her cheeks.

”Um, you place is beautiful”, she said, still watching her coffee swirling in the cup.

”Oh, I can show you around if you want”, he offered with a warm smile, ”the pan is warming up so I have time.”

Olivia stood up, following Barba back to the living room. He had a massive collection of books, mostly law books, but also literature classics like _Metamorphoses_ by Ovid. The book looked really old, she picked it up.

” _Aurea prima sata est aetas, quae vindice nullo, sponte sua, sine lege fidem rectumque colebat”_ _,_ she pronounced very meticulously in Latin.

Barba looked surprised, but smiled, looking straight to Olivia’s eyes: ”Golden was the first age which unconstrained, with heart and soul, obedient to no law, gave honor to good faith and righteousness”, he translated, tasting every word slowly, ”you know your literature”, he said sounding delighted.

”Well, I went to a college”, she smiled softly, clicking her tongue and tilting her head.

_She is gorgeous,_ Barba thought, looking at her. She was like a goddess, standing there, in his living room with a white jacket, the same turquoise pendant on her neck, her olive skin glowing. This woman was not only beautiful, but also smart and funny.

”I know, Liv”, he said with a hush tone, still smiling.

He continued his tour, showing the apartment. He was hovering, should he show her the bedrooms? They were part of the apartment, so there was nothing wrong with it, right?

”So, here is the master bedroom”, he said opening the door to a giant bedroom with large windows with amazing view over The New York City. His bed was massive and inviting with the linen the finest silk you can buy with the money. Olivia thought about her own bedroom, which was probably the size of his en suite. She loved her home, but she had to admit that Barba had a good taste.

They went back to the kitchen, where Barba started to prepare the lunch.

”I’ll put some music on”, he said, wiping his hand to a kitchen towel, crabbing a remote and pressing the sound system on. The Cuban music was soft, very intimate, it invited to dance

” _Allá en la Habana del Este_

_Pasando el túnel de amor_

_Tengo una casita linda_

_Que allá esta mi corazón”_

Olivia’s phone rang, Barba watched her smile dying from her face. She straightened up, looking at Barba.

”I¨ll be there shortly”, she said glancing at him and ended the call.

”We have a problem”, she told him looking very serious.

”Our rape victim vanished from the hospital. She isn’t Camilla Russo, the real Camilla Russo turned up dead on the pier 55.”


	3. It is always calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case is getting more interesting - and strange. What is happening to Olivia?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I had a birthday on Halloween weekend, so I haven't had time to write. This is a short chapter, but they will get longer, I promise. I love your comments, so if you like my writing, please send me one! Sorry about the possible errors on my text.

"I got you a coffee, Liv”, Fin said when he saw Olivia walking back to squad room.

”Oh, awesome, thank you so much”, Olivia answered feeling very happy about her co-workers warm gesture.

”So where are we at?” she asked.

”I just talked with the ME. They ran the prints of Jane Doe from the Pier 55, and it turned out that she is our Camilla Russo. She had felony DUI and few misdemeanors like public intoxication, indecent exposure and possession of cannabis”, Fin answered briefly.

”So, who is Jane Doe in the hospital?”

Rollins hang up the phone, ”we have no idea, since she is no longer at the Mercy. The security checked the cameras, she walked out twenty minutes ago, barefoot and only the hospital gaunt on.”

”Rollins and Carisi, canvass the area, she can’t be far, she will freeze in that clothing”, Olivia commanded rubbing her forehead.

This case was getting more strange every second.

”On it”, Carisi said picking up his jacket, ”you’ll drive”, he said to Rollins.

”Okay, so I just got off phone with TARU, they were tracking down Russo’s cell phone, and guess where the last ping was?” Fin turned to Olivia.

”Where?” she asked.

”Near the strip club you visited. Trigger, or something?”

”I guess we’ll have to visit them again. Meanwhile, I want you to check out the security tapes we got from the manager. We need a fresh pair of eyes now that we know Russo may have been there”, Olivia said.

Barba was disappointed that their lunch had been interrupted, but that was their work, they both had given so much to be at where they were now. He was standing in front of the courthouse, looking at his watch. He had hour and a half before the arraignment, it was a small case, nothing really important. His phone rang, he looked at the caller ID – It was Olivia. He answered with a smile in his voice. She filled him in and asked if he was interested going back to the club. He said yes and walked to the street, where Olivia would pick her up.

Oliver Jones, the manager of Trigger opened the door for Olivia and Barba, he looked fed up, but let them in.

”I gave you everything I had, there is nothing new --”

”Yeah, that may have been the case before, but I need you to check this photo and tell me if you recognize her”, Olivia said handing an iPad to the manager.

The girl in the picture looked a lot of like the Jane Doe from the hospital, same dark hair, brown eyes, very beautiful.

”This is Camilla, she is one of our dancers. Is she dead?” the manager asked promptly.

”We found her drowned. So you are telling me, that she is one of your dancers, but you didn’t mention that she could be our rape victim’s twin sister. That is a big coincidence.”

He nodded, ”I wasn’t thinking about her, I haven’t seen Camilla in weeks. She was a wild child, Lieutenant, she would come and she would go, I would have fired her ass, if the customers weren’t so keen on her”, he told.

”Do you know where she lived?” she asked.

”Yeah, I can get you her address, just a moment.”

”There is something fishy, I don’t know what, yet, but this is too easy”, Olivia said standing outside the strip club with Russo’s address in her hand, her golden brown hair flowing in the wind.

”I think you are absolutely right”, Barba answered, ”that man has something to do with this case.”

”Me too. I’ll drop you off before I’ll check her apartment”, she said opening the driver’s side door.

” _Olivia_ ”, he said softly, pronouncing her name carefully, ”I really wish that we could get that lunch someday.”

”Oh, me too, but this is what it is”, she answered tilting her head a little.

”Promise me that I’ll get to feed you someday.”

”I promise”, Olivia laughed to his determination.

”Stay safe”, Barba said with a warm tone, looking into Olivia’s eyes with fixed expression when they got back to the courthouse, ”I have a feeling that this case is not exactly a walk in the park.”

Olivia nodded, feeling tense. Something wasn’t right, she had this strange feeling like someone was watching them. She didn’t want to mention it to Barba, who was already concerned enough.

”I am going to be okay”, she assured, smiling reluctantly.

Barba frowned, he got a vertical wrinkle between his eyebrows, he tightened his lips, but didn’t say a word when he got out of the car. He knew that there was something on Olivia’s mind, but he knew her well enough not to ask any questions.

Olivia started to drive towards the address she had. She was wondering what was going on in her friend’s mind. The Barba she knew was quick-witted, sarcastic and cocky, but lately he had been different. The new Barba was more like a gentleman, so concerned about her. Somehow, she could feel the warm feeling inside her. They had became friends so quickly, Olivia loved how he acted on the courtroom, all cocky, so confident, using his words like daggers to empower the enemy. He did his job well, and that was something Olivia could respect.

Her phone rang once again, and she answered with the speaker on.

”Hi Fin, what’s up?” she asked, stopping at red light.

”Carisi and Rollins couldn’t find her, my guess is that someone picked her up. I am trying to get all security tapes from the streets near by, but so far nothing. How was the club?”

”Well, it turns out that Camilla was their dancer. The manager was way too eager to answer my questions and giving away information. I am going to check her apartment now”, she told him.

”Sounds fishy”, Fin agreed, ”what do you want to do about Jane Doe?” he then asked.

”Check Vicap and other databases with her description. I know it’s far-fetched, but we need to try. I have a feeling that these girls have something in common”, she said.

”I’ll do that, see you later”, Fin said and ended the call.

Camilla Russo’s household was a two bedroom apartment with a view to Central Park. She got in, walked towards the kitchen and stopped, gazing her surroundings. The kitchen was messy, there was a whole bunch of unwashed dishes in the sink, magazines and bills on the dining table and bread crumbs on the counter. There was a photo on the fridge, Olivia took it to closer inspection. There was two girls smiling widely on a beach, their hair flowing around in the wind. The other girl was clearly Camilla, but the other one… she looked a lot like their Jane Doe. Olivia got the photo of the missing girl from her phone and compared that with the photo she was holding. They were identical. Olivia looked the back side of the photo, the was a handwritten text: ”me and Kalani, Coney Island Beach – 2018”.

He sent Fin a text with the photo, asking him to compare the picture with facial recognition softwares with the name Kalani. She looked around the apartment, but she didn’t find anything important or odd. The place was a mess, there were piles of clothes scattered on the floor. The place really needed a good dust.

Olivia stepped outside the apartment locking the door.

For a moment she felt like someone was watching her, so she moved her hand to her hip, where she carried her gun. There was no security cameras, neither at the hall or outside, she noticed. She took the elevator and stepped outside of the building. She breathed the cold air, just standing there on the street. The feeling she had didn’t leave her alone. There was a protest across the street, something about abortion, the old kind with ”this is not God’s will, abortion is murder”. She stepped into the mass of the restless people, walking towards her car, but she stopped when she felt something cold on her back. It was a gun, she could hear him putting the safe off.

”Don’t do or say anything, keep walking”, said a hissing voice behind her.

”Okay, let’s take this easy, I have a gun on my hip, let’s not do anything stupid”, she said trying to sound calm when her fight or flight mode kicked in, even though her heart was ready to burst out of her chest. She tried to keep herself as relaxed as possible, but her body was tense and ready for action. _Noah,_ she cried in her mind, _oh my sweet boy_. She had to get out of this mess, but she knew better than trying something stupid. She wasn’t going to gamble if she was quick enough to crab her gun, when the man had something hard, probably a gun, on her back.

”Shut up, bitch”, said the hissing voice pushing her forwards, ”I just need you to shut up.”

”Where is your car?” he asked, his voice was shaking – maybe with rage.

Olivia told her the location, which was 50 metres from them. The man pushed her in the car, on the backseat.

”This will sting”, he hissed, injecting her with something so quickly that she didn’t even have change to resist him.

The last thing she remembered before falling asleep was a face of her kidnapper: a young latino man with dark brown hair and hazelnut eyes filled with hatred.

******

”It is almost three, have you guys heard from Liv?” asked Fin looking up from his computer.

”I haven’t heard from her”, Rollins answered, looking at Carisi who shook his head.

”Where the is she? She doesn’t pick up”, Fin asked worrying.


	4. Dancing around the darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is full of action and strong feelings. Where is Olivia? Can they find her in time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not entirely happy with this chapter, but here you go. It took me a whole day to write this. I wanted to describe Olivia's thoughts and feelings, especially when she was unconscious. Again, I love your comments and I am so happy to read them, so please, keep them coming, I feel like this is worth of my time when I can see you enjoying it. Thank you! Hope you like this chapter, even though I am still not happy with it.

Olivia was slowly trying to wake up. Everything around her was blurred, the sounds were ringing in her ears and her body was stiff like a wooden doll. She didn’t know where she was, but she was laying down on something hard, maybe a floor. _Noah,_ she cried again in her mind, it was the first coherent thought she had, _please, please don’t let me die today, I can’t leave Noah alone, oh my sweet boy._ Little by little, she was starting to focus her eyes on white ceiling, the image was slowly getting more clear. She tried to move, but it felt like her body was completely useless, it wouldn’t do what is was supposed to do. Olivia could feel that her hands and feet were tied with something hard, probably duct tape. She attempted to move her head but she couldn’t do that either. _I need to get out of here_ , she thought. She was anxious, full of fear, her heart was pounding, she started to sweat. She was looking at the ceiling, wondering if she would ever see her friends – or family – again. She missed Fin, his smile and dry humor, Amanda’s friendship, they had that kind of trust towards each other only mothers knew. She missed Carisi, so good-hearted, kind and emphatic man. _Barba,_ she thought. Her best friend in the whole world, a man with so many personalities. He was so good with Noah, he and Sonny were both his favorite uncles, but Noah adored Barba like no one else.

”We got a hit!” Fin shouted lifting up some papers, ”her name is Kalani Alvarez, 20, Hudson University. Who wants to pay a visit?”

”I’ll go”, Carisi said, standing up, ”should we be worried about Olivia? She won’t pick up, I think something is wrong.”

”I will pull the security tapes from near Russo’s apartment and call TARU, see if they can track down her cell”, Fin promised.

”I will call Barba, see if he had spoken with Olivia”,Rollins said with worried tone.

”Oh, you are awake”, the man said, his voice was flat.

His eyes were dark and cold, the face completely blank without any emotions. In other situation, he would be described as good-looking, but now he looked more like a statue. He stepped closer to Olivia and ripped off the duck tape from her lips, ”now you can tell me where my sister is, bitch.”

He was spitting as he asked his sister. Olivia had absolutely no idea who he was talking about, she was busy trying to moisturize her lips so she could talk.

”I don’t know who are you talking about, can you tell me her name?” she asked, trying to sounds as calm as possible.

”Kalani”, he almost whispered, for the first time he showed emotion, his voice was full of pain.

The girl on the photo, she thought. She had no idea where the girl was, but she needed to play her cards right, the man wasn’t clearly scared to hurt her. Her head was still spinning, but she tried to concentrate the best she could.

”Okay, Kalani. Listen, if we could go to the station -”

The hit came so quick she couldn’t finish her sentence. The flash of the pain was so hard that she yelped, her head was spinning even more now.

”I really don’t know where your sister is”, Olivia said with shakiness in her voice.

The next punch was even harder. The hit landed on her right cheek and corner of the eye which started bleeding immediately. She felt stunned, even though her body was full of adrenaline, she couldn’t move. Then slowly, she slipped back into the darkness.

 _Noah_ was the last thing on her lips, but the word died before she had a chance to speak.

Barba felt numb. He just stood there, on the white stairs of the courthouse. He gasped. His brown, leather suitcase fell down from her hand. No, he haven’t seen Olivia in awhile, the last thing was the spoken words to be cautious, and now she was missing. She was more to him than a co-worker or even friend. The thought of never seeing her again hurt so much he couldn’t breath. For a moment he felt like he had already lost her best friend, but he had to keep it together, for her. He had to find her. He waived a cab and got in.

”To 16th Precinct”, he said to the driver, ”please, go fast.”

_Olivia was sitting on a bench in Central Park, she felt so much joy and happiness looking at Noah playing on the beach. He was trying to feed ducks, but he got circled by_ _the hungry animals_ _so he ran away from them with bread in his hand, causing the ducks to follow him. Olivia laughed out loud, she tried to explain_ _to him_ _to be still while throwing the pieces of bread. She saw Barba walking towards them, hands in his jacket pocket, smiling_ _enthusiastic. His wide, almost boyish smile made butterflies fly in her stomach. Barba walked towards them, giving Olivia a big kiss on the cheek and then he picked Noah up and spun_ _him_ _around._ But the dream started to end, Rafael and Noah got further away every second. _No, please no,_ she yelped in her mind.

Olivia woke up when the man poured cold water on her face. Her head ached so much that she had troubles to stay awake, but she felt how warm scotch was poured on her throat, it made her cough and she tried to protest, but the man was strong.

”Now, I hope we can get forward”, he said.

He had some kind of Spanish accent, she noticed.

”I will help you”, Olivia sputtered, trying to get to the better side of pain.

”Where is SHE? This is the last time I’ll ask”, the man said to Olivia’s face, squeezing her mouth tightly, ”wrong answer and you will be dead.”

”Okay, look. May I call to my detectives? They probably have the information about your sister”, she said hoping that the man wouldn’t hit her again.

”No, you are lying. I know that you know where she is”, the man started to cry uncontrollably.

He grabbed Olivia’s blouse and lifted her up causing the shirt to rupture. Her black, lace bra was sticking out, but the man didn’t care about that.

”You have to know where she is”, he cried, tears falling down his face.

”I am sorry”, Olivia whispered softly.

She was fearing for her life, the man was so unstable, there was a good chance he would do something impulsive. She knew she had to get his gun. Not now, but when she would have a slightest change, she would do it. She had to keep the man as calm as he could be.

”I guess I don’t have any other options left, I… I…” he said, crying into the bottle of scotch.

”Hey, listen to me. You want to find your sister? Let me help”, she tried to reason with him.

”Help me, how?” he cried while stepping around, waving the gun.

”For start, you don’t want to meet your sister in prison, right? Just give me -”

”No!” he yelled, hitting Olivia with the gun so hard that she just collapsed to the floor, falling into the comforting darkness once again.

Chief Dodds stood next to Rafael Barba in Manhattan’s SVU’s squad room. Dodds crossed his arms feeling distressed with the situation, he had warm feelings for Olivia, she was so devoted to her work and the way she treated the victims and survivors was amazing in so many levels he couldn’t even start to understand. He was afraid that they would find her dead, since no one hasn’t claimed ransom or anything like that. He took a long breath before he stepped up.

”Now, everyone, listen carefully. SVU’s Lieutenant, Olivia Benson, has been missing since 3 pm. Finding her should be everyone’s first priority. We want her back as safe as it is possible. Fin, do you want to continue?” Chief asked.

Fin stepped forward and cleared his throat.

”So, last ping from Olivia’s phone came from half a mile from Kalani Alvarez’ apartment. Kalani is missing, she was studying at Hudson University, but no one has seen her since the semester started. We got security film from the street. Here you can see that someone is pushing her towards her car.”

He stopped the film when the guy turned to look something at the direction the camera was so they could see his face.

”The suspect is latino, in his mid-twenties, dark brown hair, green hoodie and black jeans. I am waiting GPS from Olivia’s car, until then run every facial recognition software with this picture. I need officers to canvass the streets around Kalani’s address, see if anyone noticed anything suspicious”, he yelled, ”thank you, now do you jobs so we can bring her back.”

”I am going to get a warrant for the strip club and it’s finances, two girls who look alike, other dead and other missing, you don’t need a badge to tell that it is suspicious. And that’s what this is, suspicious as hell”, Barba said to Fin, who nodded as an answer.

”We need to call IAB”, Fin said to Chief Todds.

”I know, I know. I just wished it hadn’t come to this”, he answered sighing.

_Olivia was dancing. She had her best floor-length dress on, it was grey with crystals on the waistband. She didn’t see who she was dancing with, but their movements were smooth, the man was leading her with strong gestures, which made her feel safe like no one could ever harm her. The man had a mask on, but she felt something familiar in him, it was almost intimate. She was flowing on his arms, they were flying on the floor, around and around. Suddenly, everything started to feel so clear. The man who was holding was Rafael Barba._

Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba stepped outside from the precinct. Suddenly, he was furious. Why didn’t Olivia ask someone to go with her to the apartment? Why she always had to be so damn stubborn – or determined, as she would say. She had people working for her, she could have sent someone else for crying out loud. That woman was really strong-willed, but after this, if she comes back in one piece, Barba would give her a piece of his mind. No, he would give her more than that, it just wasn’t enough. He almost blushed, when the thoughts ran through his mind.

Olivia woke up when the man poured cold water on her face just like earlier. Her head hurt, but she felt she could move again, the effect of the drug had worn off.

”Sit up, sit up, bitch”, the man hissed pulling her up from the floor the scotch in his other hand.

Olivia tried to control her body, but it was still hard, she wobbled but managed to sit down. She tried to check her surroundings. The building was high, and in it’s time, it had probably been beautiful. Now there were shards of broken glass scattered on the floor. The place felt abandoned. Room that they were in wasn’t very big, there was a wooden door and two windows near the ceiling.

”I am tired of you lying to me, bitch”, he screamed gazing Olivia.

”Can you tell me your name?” she whispered just trying to get him talk.

”Why? What do you want?” he asked sounding suspicious.

”I just want to know who I am talking with”, she said softly.

”José”, he said, ”don’t try anything or I’ll shoot you.”

”Okay, José”, Olivia whispered softly, ”when was the last time you have seen your sister?”

”A month ago. I know you know something. I know Camilla’s dead. Something has happened to her, she wouldn’t disappear just like that. You must be hiding something. That club, I wish she never had set a foot in that club.”, he said frantically stepping back and forth.

”What club, Trigger?” she asked vigilantly.

”Yes”, he answered looking surprised, ”she went there with Camilla. Some customers liked how they looked alike, but I think that there was something more going on.”

”We are trying to find your sister as we speak”, Olivia tried to calm him.

Something rustled nearby, ”what was that?” José asked looking nervous and angry.

”Look, I don’t know”, Olivia answered quietly.

 _Did her squad found her,_ she wondered. She saw the pole cam from the window, hoping that José wouldn’t notice it.

”Don’t try anything or I will shoot”, he said pointing the gun at her head.

”Listen up”, said Chief Dodds. He was standing in Brooklyn next to an abandoned leather factory where they had located Olivia’s car, ”we want to be invisible and silent! The most important thing is that we’ll get Olivia out safely!”

The Emergency Service Unit’s officers were ready to play their part. They had snipers on the roof next to the factory, Fin, Rollins and Carisi were on standby in front of the building waiting a command. Rafael Barba stood next to Chief Dodds with a bulletproof west on. He had fought his way to the factory, promising that he would sue everyone who tried to stop him – from all people, Barba would have a way to do that and everyone who knew him, knew that he really meant it.

”He points the gun at her”, Ed Tucker said to Chief Dodds after receiving an update from the officers with the pole cam.

Barba felt his stomach clenching, his body was cold with the dread.

”I have a clear shoot, do I have permission to shoot?”

”Permission to shoot granted”, Tucker answered.

It happened so fast, the bullet came from the window hitting José in the head, blood spattering on Olivia’s face. She screamed, but the realization came quickly; she was free. She heard the footsteps before she saw Fin and Carisi. They ran to her, Fin cut the duct tape setting her free.

”Can you walk?” Carisi asked looking Olivia in her eyes.

”I can try”, she answered voice trembling and tried to stand up.

Carisi caught her before she fell, her legs were still wobbly. He gently lift her in his arms and carried her to the street.

”’ _Livia_ ”, Barba cried out, ”are you okay?” he asked when Carisi gently put her back down. Olivia looked like hell, she had blood covering her face and blouse, her right eye had almost swollen shut and there were abrasions on her wrists. Barba opened her arms and embraced her while she sobbed against his chest. He kissed her forehead, so relieved that she was here, mostly unharmed.

”Don’t you ever dare to scare me like this again, _mija,_ _¿Entendido?”_ He said stroking her hair.

She smiled and nodded, but then she asked her voice filled with terror and desperation: ”Noah, where is he? Where is my boy?”

”Olivia, look at me. Noah is with Lucy, he is fine. We need to get you to hospital now”, Barba said trying to calm her down.

”I want to see him”, she said with her whole body shaking.

”I will arrange that, but you need to rest”, he said covering her with his jacket.

”I want to see him now”, Olivia sobbed.

”You will, _car_ _a,_ you will.”


	5. Raw Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia has been overnight at the hospital and she is very keen to see Noah. Barba comes to check her out, his words are causing many kinds of emotions.

Day after the kidnapping Rafael Barba entered Mercy Hospital. His usual wardrobe – the three-piece-suit – was gone, instead he had smart casual outfit: white dress shirt, but no tie - with a navy blazer, tailored beige trousers and pair of brown leather loafers. He looked as handsome as usual, just in a very different way. Instead of carrying his leather briefcase, he had a weekend bag on his shoulder. He was looking for a gift boutique. He found one and looked at the items, but he didn't want to just get flowers. _Flowers are so mundane, and that is something Olivia really is not,_ he thought. So roses and lilies were out of the question. He looked at teddy bears, they were cute, but he didn't want childish stuff either. There really wasn't anything suitable for her, so he picked up a white card with flowery frames saying "Get well, soon, you are a fighter". He bought the card and wrote on the backside: _"I know, this is stupid. I have wine and dinner_ _waiting_ _for_ _you_ _"_ He almost wrote back at home, but he decided not to add it, he just signed it with his name. There was something he needed to tell Olivia, he had spoken with Chief Dodds and Olivia's squad, and they all agreed, it was best if Barba told her the bad news.

Olivia felt somewhat better, she had abrasions on her wrists and ankles, bad concussion and a nasty bump on her head, some cuts and bruises on her face and one broken rib. She tried to get better position on the bed, so her side wouldn’t hurt as much as it did now, the sharp pain felt like the rib was going to puncture her lung. She was waiting for Noah to visit her because he couldn’t come to the hospital last night. She missed him so much it hurt. Thankfully they had Lucy, who was always ready to take car of Noah. Her thoughts were interrupted, when the door opened and Rafael Barba walked in. Olivia took a moment to enjoy this very differently dressed man. She had to admit that he was pleasing her – no, not just her, but any woman's eye, he was truly a good-looking guy. Then suddenly, she realized that Noah wasn’t with him and a massive agony took place in her chest making it hard to breathe, where was her sweet little boy?

”Where is Noah?” she asked, voice filled with anxiousness.

” _Liv,_ listen”, Barba started – his voice was comforting.

”Something has happened, not to Noah,” he said quickly when he saw Olivia’s face hardening with fear, ”Noah is fine, but the thing is, you are not safe at home right now.”

”What are you talking about?” she asked, feeling the panic rising on her stomach.

”The case is not over, Olivia, someone broke into your apartment and threw Molotov Cocktail. Your apartment is a crime-scene at the moment, and it will take time to fix all the damage. And Liv, there was a note…”

”I am sorry, you are saying what..?” Olivia asked in utter disbelief.

Olivia looked so fragile on the hospital bed, she was like the finest porcelaine doll, made with such delicate touch that only God could create. Barba could see how her shoulders started to shake and tears ran down on her bruised cheeks.

”’ _Livia_ , it is going to be okay, you and Noah will be okay”, he said wrapping his arms carefully around the crying woman. She wasn’t Lieutenant now, not the strong and powerful woman holding all the threads. Instead, Barba was embracing a beautiful, fragile creature, who needed comforting and protecting. She pressed her head on his chest, defeated. She sobbed a moment while Barba ran his fingers through her hair feeling his shirt getting soaked with her tears.

”Shh…” he whispered, ”everything is going to be okay. We decided that you should live with me for now, just until things clear up”, he said, carefully, he knew that this was going to be a very sensitive subject.

Olivia looked up, eyes like daggers, ”you decided? I am not a child. Why don’t you ask what I want?”

”Liv, listen to me”, Barba said grabbing her from both shoulder, ”The note said that you can choose ending up on Pier 55 or on the dumpster behind Trigger if you won’t back down.”

He looked at her darkened eyes, she was fuming. Barba had not seen her like this ever before, furious and unpredictable, ready to start a war like a warrior from an ancient tribe.

”They destroy my home and threaten me and you ask me to back off? Really, _Rafael?_ ” her voice was steel cold, she broke off from his arms, standing up so quick she whimpered from the sharp pain on her side. Barba rushed towards her trying to catch her, but she just pushed him away clearly hurt and offended.

”Olivia, it wasn’t just you they threatened”, Barba whispered, ”they threatened Noah, too.”

”NO!” She screamed, ”where is he? Where is my child?” the tears came back like an avalanche.

”Hey, hey. He is safe, okay? He is at Lucy’s grandparents with Lucy and two police officers in 500 miles away”, he tried to calm her down, she was almost hysterical with fear of losing her only child.

It was so painful to see her like this, totally broken and wrecked, her tears leaving traces on her skin like a rain on a dusty pane. Olivia lifted her bloodshot eyes on him, trying to calm her silent war inside her.

”I have a video message from him, you can watch it when we will get to my apartment”, he suggested, ”can you now just sit back down? I have clothes for you.”

He was pleased when Olivia actually listened him, sat down and tried to wipe the tears away from her face, clearly embarrassed. She didn’t find any suitable words, so she just accepted the bag of clothes, nodded to Barba and took the bag with her to the bathroom.

Olivia washed her face with cold water, flinching with the pain when the cold stream hit the bruise on her cheek, hoping that her face wouldn’t get any worse than it was now. She was deeply ashamed for yelling at Barba, yet alone how she cling onto him like he was the only thing keeping her from drowning. His wide chest was just so comforting and his arms felt so safe at the moment. She tried to shake of the thoughts and looked up from the sink, drying her face carefully with a hard towel which had been washed so many times it almost grated her face. Her hair was all over the place, so she tried to do a quick bun just to get it away from her eyes. She looked into the bag and didn’t recognize any of the clothing she saw. She blushed when she got the black lace underwear set on her hands, examining them closely. They looked sexy with the details of lace, but still comfortable and functional. She knew that Barba had bought these because of the luxurious feeling of the lace, and the brand was super expensive, _Kiki de Montparnasse_. She found a pair of navy blue college pants with matching hoodie, white t-shirt with very giving neckline, some socks and white sneakers. Olivia dressed up quickly, all the clothes were a right fit, Barba even knew her shoe number. She stepped back to the hospital room, her cheeks still rosy from blushing.

”The smoke destroyed pretty much all your clothes”, Barba said apologizing, ”I got you some new clothes, the rest are at home. I am sorry, Rollins didn’t have the time to shop because of the kids, so I had to step in…”

”Thank you, Barba, you shouldn’t”, Olivia said, tilting her head and smiling softly, she was very grateful, even though she wondered how Barba knew her size and taste of clothing.

”Oh, and I got you this”, he said shamelessly, handing her the card he got from the gift shop.

”Aww”, she laughed reading the card, ”thank you, I really mean it, _Rafael_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is again shorter, but I think it has enough content to be an independent chapter. I really, really hope you like this one, it gets the story a little bit forward with some plot twists. Thank you for your kind comments, I truly live for them right now.


End file.
